Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
