I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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