she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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