Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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