I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
