I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
