He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize