I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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