Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
