I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
