my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Randomize
