I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also, beer. Big fan.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize