called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize