1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize