All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
