i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
