if only i could text you this smell
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize