There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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