My nipple is on Facebook.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize