I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
