guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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