I'm pants shitting drunk right now
one might say we're banned from that church
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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