i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
