you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I currently don't understand fingers.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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