between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize