Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It's Friday. Sex?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
