Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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