My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
