end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
