I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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