okay pat passed out under dana's car
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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