6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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