I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she told me i tasted like america
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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