I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
