just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
