In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ketchup is God's man juice
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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