mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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