i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
