I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Boobs speak an international language.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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