You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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