I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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