There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
