I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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