Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
