if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
