Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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