The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
