My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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