Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
