you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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