smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
