so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
