i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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