my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
