just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
