my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
