I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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