Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize