My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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